So on the fouth, I got Roux en Y gastric bypass.
Let's skip the arguements for or against it, shall we? Suffice it to say I was a borderline diabetic, hypertension, have a family history of diabetes and heart disease, and I'm almost 38 and have been fighting my weight since I was about 13.
Anyway...the Saturday after Beltane, I went out to some friends' house and we had an outdoor ritual in honor of Beltane. Well...being Texas and outdoors, I used some 'all natural' mosquito spray to keep the bugsies away.
Sunday, the night before my surgery, I started blistering up in that allergy way. Monday I had my surgery. By monday night, the welts were huge. I got through to Tuesday and Tueday night after they discharged me, the welts had turned into pustules and blisters and I was in agony.
So last Thursday, I had to do a steroid shot. And...other than being completely miserable skin-wise for my allergic reaction, the gastric bypass surgery recover is ongoning.
The first week was spent sleeping on my back in a reclining-like position. My doctor cut six holes in me to rearrange my guts, one of which you can't even see anymore. I have a few really deep, ugly bruises stil healing. The soreness in my belly is just now to the point that last night I was able to sleep on my sides again...which is probably why I slept so late this morning. Mainly, it's dealing with the soreness and keeping hydrated.
The eating thing has been a challenge, sort of. I'm rather a strong-willed person, so there's a lot of things that I don't mind not eating. I've been cooking a lot for the family in the time off, even if I can't lift some of the dishes when they're done. I've taken a lick of cheese sauces, drank broth from soups, but I don't really mind not being able to eat what I cook. Sometimes I just worry about taste.
Anyway, in the first week, going easy, I've drank protein shakes, broths, eaten sugar free popsicles, and drank grape juice. I've lost over 10 pounds in the first week, which is alarming, but not really I suppose because I can't eat anything.
When I was right about to go into surgery and the day after surgery, I had a few people say to me directly, "Aren't you excited?"
Now...I would like to take the time to ask people, before you just mindlessly ask stuff, really think about your words before you speak them.
"Why?" I would reply, fully anticipating their answers.
Because you'll be thin! You'll be sexy! You'll look great! All variants of this tumbled out of their mouths.
Are you kidding me?
Firstly, I would answer, "Excited to have (had) surgery, being cut into and having my guts rearranged so I can't eat for weeks, and when I can, I can't hardly eat anything? Uh, no." Not daunted by my deadpan response, they would carry on. Theyre my friends, gotta love them, but really, I just kind of let them go for a bit and just didn't go too much into any more response to that particular question.
So...I look at the weight loss as a side-effect of what I was really trying to accomplish, which was not being diabetic. I have a lot of self-hate, a lot of things I absolutely hate about myself, my body, the way I look...I don't expect these things to change, especially with size. And right now, the biggest anxiety is the change of other people's perception of me and how they will then identify me, and then how I will come to identify myself.
For example...in one of my weight-loss expeditions, I was taking weight lifting in college. I could leg press $700 without much trouble. I am a big woman, but I am a strong woman. I have presence. I have a very solid way of moving. I cannot imagine being small enough where a big guy doesn't consider whether or not I can actually take him, but his only thought is to laugh and toss me over his shoulder. That idea terrifies me. Because not only am I hating myself as I am, even as I try to work on that, my self hate transforms into other venues. So...we will see how it goes. And I'll write here from time to time about it...but it's part of my journey now.
