failure

I was accused once of never surrounding myself with people who push my boundaries.  I don't think that's true, or I wouldn't be doing what I do.

But right now, I'm kicking myself. 

I'm trying to get my CDL, and there's a LOT involved.  At least, it's a lot for me.  A creative mind that really hasn't the first clue how engines work, trying to learn about trucks, big trucks, their rules, regulations, and test in three days.

First three I knew, the next five I hadn't even seen before.  And really, it was all downhill from there.  So I told the lady I'd be back tomorrow.

I sat in my car and let a few tears slide.  I couldn't help it.  I was so mad.  And upset.  And frustrated.

I think that most people's minds are like this:

And really, my mind is more like this:

In fact, I would have to say that where people's devils usually try to talk them into doing something they know is wrong, mine doesn't worry about that petty shit.  Oh, no.  Mine waits for me to screw something up....then gives the good me a knee check, cracks it over the head with a baseball bat, drags it down an alleyway and proceeds to beat it to a bloody pulp, then considers give it a curb-check.

So failure, especially when it's something that I'm really trying at, is almost crippling.  

But this doesn't mean I'm quitting.  It just means that I'm really 'effin determined now.  And as long as I they'll let me, I'll keep trying.  But man...it really does suck.  A lot.